HOLISTIC PARENTING THROUGH THE ELEMENTS

As a parent of a 13 year old daughter, I have read many books on the ‘how to ‘ of parenting, and I have noticed that certain techniques work at certain times while at other times they just don’t. I have also noticed that when I am tired, angry, stressed and not centred myself, even the most tried and tested of these techniques don’t work and all the ‘sensible’ theory seems to fly out the window. We have all heard the old saying that when mum is stressed the whole family’s behaviour is worse, and when mum is happy, the whole family seems happy. I have certainly noticed this in my own family!

The more that I work with kids and parents the more I am convinced that we as parents really need to look within ourselves for the balance and wholeness that we are yearning for within our family. Working with the elements – Earth, Water, Air and Fire is a simple, effective and powerful way to do this.

The elements represent primary functions of our existence, as ‘life’ requires earth, water, air and fire to survive and flourish. A simple seed needs a healthy balance of these elements to grow into a tree, just as our children need this balance so they can flourish and grow to their true potential.

Understanding and recognising the qualities of the elements, helps us to notice where we, as parents, are unbalanced. Once we recognise our imbalances we can work with the elements to re-establish harmony within ourselves. This in turn leads to a healthy flow in our relationship with our child. I have found it incredibly useful to observe myself and my daughter through the elemental qualities, and notice how our relationship has been enhanced by the awareness of these simple yet powerful qualities in our lives.  

Earth
The Earth element represents stability, solidity, reliability and groundedness. Are these qualities that you carry strongly within you? Are you carrying the ground for your partner and children in a healthy and balanced way, or are you inflexible and stuck in your structures, over-identifying with earth.

This could mean ruling with an iron fist, overly tight boundaries, unwilling to compromise and set in your ways. It may seem to work for a while when children are young and we have the ultimate control, however as they advance towards adolescence our rigid structures and boundaries need to become more flexible to balance and flow with the child’s need to be an individual in their own right.

An overabundance of earth would imply a deficiency in one or more of the other elements, just as lack of earth could be unhealthily balanced by excesses. If you are overly rigid in your parenting, bring in some air. Run along the beach with your child and feel the wind in your face, climb a hill and fly a kite or throw a ball. Shake off the shackles of excess earth and be free!

Water
The Water element represents the emotional, feeling realm. Water allows us to flow with life’s ups and downs, like a mountain stream that effortlessly flows around rocks and anything blocking its way. Parents who have a positive connection to water are empathetic, nurturing and sensitive to the needs of their loved ones. Do you sense these qualities within you? Water is physically and emotionally cleansing, and when used healthily it invites us to dive into and welcome emotions, thereby resurfacing refreshed and renewed.

On the other hand, too much water and we flounder in a lack of boundaries and overflow with emotions. Ask yourself if you are you often overly emotional, moody or wallowing in past hurts. Are you clinging to your own or your child’s unmet yearnings? Are you overly protective, not allowing your child to live their own life and follow their own path?

Excess water may lead to over compliance, non-achievement and too much ‘going with the flow’. In this case, share some fiery activities which are fun, exciting and stimulating. Do something different to the norm, be adventurous.

Air
The Air element opens us to the realm of ideas, curiosity and inspiration. Air is in constant motion bringing newness, lightness, clarity and sudden shifts. As a parent do you crave or repel these qualities? Do you or your child have a ‘monkey mind’ jumping all over the place? Are you impatient for change? Do you live life to the full or do you try to accomplish too much? Do you push yourself or your children to achieve…and then achieve some more? 

When we over-identify with air, it can be difficult to focus and practicality can fly out the window. Does this sound like you, or is it an energy that your child may be playing out?  In the children’s workshops that I run, I have noticed that children in Sydney seem to carry a much stronger air energy than those in more grounded areas such as Adelaide and Perth. Sydney as a city is very fast and constantly changing, and this energy obviously impacts on all who live there.

A bush picnic is a practical and fun way to balance excess air by bringing in the grounding  and nurturing qualities of earth. Nature is continually offerring a healing contrast to our busy city lives, so go on, take those shoes off and walk barefoot on the earth, sit under a tree and let your busy mind rest.

Fire
The fire element ignites our passion, assertiveness and motivation. It brings fun and excitement, and is hugely transformative, allowing us to open into our potential and follow our dreams. Can you sense this energy in yourself? Do you convey the essence of fire to your child, encouraging them and sharing an exuberant, magical and exciting relationship? Unhealthily expressed, fire can burn us dry with uncontrollable outbursts of anger, intolerance and arrogance, and leads to exhaustion from excess.  Do you recognise this energy in yourself or in your child?

When my daughter was little and flew into a temper tantrum, a nice warm bath worked miracles. These days, a swim or a walk along the beach will instantly sooth that irritated adolescent fire energy. It certainly helps an angry mum as well!

Another fire soother is earth. Standing barefoot on the earth, stomping feet, hugging a dog or a tree, and massage, are all grounding activities that can balance out excess fire or air.

Reflect on how you are as a parent and the essence of your relationship with your child. Are you grounded and centred (earth) within yourself and is there an effortless flow of love and communication with your child? Is there a freedom (air) and trust (water) in your relationship where you feel comfortable within yourself to express strongly when appropriate (fire) and gently flow (water) at other times?

Or, are you “stuck” in rules where there is no flexibility within yourself or your parenting? Is there too much earth where you and your child knock heads constantly and stubbornly? And is there too much fire in the form of angry outbursts? Maybe you are both drowning in a sea of emotions, or being so watery and over-flexible that there are no boundaries and you are struggling to hold on. Do you or your child often zone out and live in a fantasy world where there is little connection to planet earth, finding it difficult to live healthily in this material world?

Sometimes, there can be an unhealthy balancing act between parent and child, where the child will carry the parents unexpressed shadow energy that the parent is unwilling to take responsibility for. This could be in the form of a parent who may have learnt in their childhood that anger is unacceptable, and so suppresses their fire energy, which may unconsciously be carried by a very angry and out of control child. Conversely, the angry parent who may be unwilling to own their anger, could project it onto other family members who then overdo water to placate the angry parent.

A parent who is full of air, movement and expectation could be greatly upset by a child who is very earthed, wanting and needing structure and a steady pace. Conversely an exhausted parent is driven to distraction by a child who never stops!  

As parents it is so important to be real with ourselves and own these primal energies that play out so powerfully in our lives. Notice which elemental energies are stronger in you, which qualities you admire and which ones make you squirm. Often those that you can’t stand are disowned parts of your own make up, your shadow side. We can be totally unaware of the shadow, yet it can create such havoc in our lives when we subconsciously project it or dump it on another…often our children.

Become aware of the elemental make up of your children and the essence of your relationship with them. Does your connection need more water? Is there too much earth? Is it lacking air? Is fire out of control? Now, look within yourself.
 
In this rapidly changing and complex world, it is refreshingly simple and effective to work with the elements to find a balance within ourselves and our family.
Becoming aware, especially of your own self, is a huge step towards a loving and harmonious connection with your child….and our world. 

Sharon Turton is a mother, holistic counsellor, teacher and naturopath. As well as private practice, Sharon runs workshops for children, teens and parents through Earth Institute and The Journey. Contact her on 0412792967 or www.journeynaturopath.com. Sharon is running the Conscious Parenting workshop at Earth Institute over 5 Monday evenings and 5 Wednesdays beginning 26 and 28 May, and Earth Kids workshop is held on Sunday 1 June 2008.

Earth Institute is a college, consultancy and centre for life and work fulfilment and care of the future. Located in Sydney, we provide education and development opportunities to address the current challenges facing individuals, organisations and the global community. We offer a series of professional studies, individual consultations, life programs and corporate and coaching services in these and other exciting areas:  Shamanic and Energetic Healing;  Contemporary Astrology;  Corporate Services;  Psychodrama;  Shamanic Journey;  Eco Meditation and  lots more.